Wedding Guest Digest #1

Welcome! We are gathered here today to join gossip and drama in holy matrimony.

Here are two things that are simultaneously true: 1) I would never want misfortune to befall my friends and family and 2) at my own “dream wedding,” I’m a guest watching someone else fuck the whole thing up. I absolutely sickos.jpg swoon at the thought of witnessing a classic nuptial hijink. Proposing at the reception? Yes please. Wearing white when you’re not the bride? Do it, buddy! Speaking now instead of forever holding your peace?? If not now, when!!!

Most ceremonies don’t see this level of chaos, but there’s at least a little mayhem in every Big Day. As guests, we’re supposed to act like non-playable characters — nodding, bobbing, and smiling silently in the crowd scene of another person’s life — but we’re human. We can’t help but bring our own baggage to a wedding, and can’t help but notice when there’s more going on around us than the official story of “happily ever after.” Maybe it’s college friends of a groom who aren’t over each other, the bride’s aunt who hit the open bar too hard, the groomsman who quietly disapproves of the pairing, the matron of honor who vocally hates her dress, the little brother who should never have been asked to give a speech, or the videographer who just got dumped and can’t deal. With that many bodies shoved into formalwear, there’s always something bubbling.

This newsletter, pulled from subreddits, TikTok, advice columns, news items, and real life stories (please, email me, I will happily anonymize you!), is a place to revel in the disasters, bachelorette backbiting, drunken mistakes, embarrassing vows, bad DJs, and everything else a good guest is not supposed to talk about.

Disclaimer: Everything on Reddit should probably be taken with a biiiiiig grain of salt when it comes to what’s “true” and what’s “totally made up.”

From Weddit

We’re going to start with an incredible r/BestofRedditorUpdates banger that started on r/Bridezillas, moved to r/weddingshaming, and all comes down to the woman (not) getting married:

Some background here is that demanding bride “Dana” (29F) tried to pressure her bridesmaids into buying expensive dresses and going on a farflung bachelorette. She even accused a girl who doesn’t drink of being pregnant (??) in front of her parents, because of the aforementioned not drinking. Nonsensical!

But all that bad behavior was dwarfed on the day of, when Dana “had a quickie” with her fiance’s uncle — while in full hair, makeup, and gown, mere minutes before she was set to walk down the aisle. The processional did not proceed.

The entitled, newly single gal then demanded that her bridesmaids help her pay for the wedding that wasn’t, leading to the post’s headline, but I think we can all agree the enduring image is of this young lady getting balled in virgin white.

Best comment: from user u/Bigbysjackingfist on the r/BORU post, who thinks that “Bridezilla” undersells it.

“Lifezilla”

Guest of a Guest of a Guest

Our very first piece of reader-submitted wedding gossip is a doozy:

At this recent wedding, the bride nearly didn’t invite her estranged father — and he seemingly went out of his way to make it clear why. First, the bad dad approached the groom’s friends, all strangers to him, and asked if they were gay. Although they said no, he replied, “well, if I was gay I’d date you — you’re so handsome! I’m not though.” Sadly this perfect mix of sexual harassment and internalized gay panic was somehow not one of the signature cocktails.

After getting to know the guests, it was time for father of the year to make a toast. In it, he said he’d be able to thank the groom for his future grandchildren’s “big nose and buck teeth” — and on second thought, he said he could thank the groom’s parents for that too. Ah yes, all the traditions: tossing the bouquet, flinging the garter, and throwing your daughter’s new in-laws under the bus by calling them ugly.

To submit your own story, reply to this email!

From Weddit (Redux)

Is a vow renewal a wedding? Am I already stretching the bounds of meaning in this newsletter in the very first issue? I don’t care, I love this self-important woman and she belongs here.

This one has to be read for the language (“When I saw him at the villa, I felt an instant flutter in my heart.”) but the TLDR is this gal hit on her partnered ex at her friend’s parents’ vow renewal ceremony (“at a beautiful hill town,” which is verbiage AI aspires to). After she innocently spirited him away to the winery where they admitted their feelings to each other and held hands a little (because it “was cold”), and then he dumped his current girlfriend. Two months later, the now-not-ex’s ex is writing mean things about OOP’s public social media posts about she and this goofball have grown. So unfair!

Personally, I can’t imagine a greater honor than having my daughter’s former classmates make an overwrought and horny declaration of love at my winery-adjacent villa vow renewal. It’s very in the spirit of the day! (Excess, grand gestures, Romance with a capital “R,” unbearable cheese!) If you’re not making an emotional mess at a vow renewal, that’s actually bad luck.

Honestly, I don’t think this absolutely terminal protagonista did that much actually wrong — sometimes people don’t get over each other! Shitty to invite him on an actual date, but shooters shoot, and worse for him to accept! That is, until she needed to post about it.

Maybe your “growth" should include not running to Instagram to shout your nascent stolen happiness from the rooftops! No, I’m kidding, the best thing to do is to keep posting forever. Thanks queen.

Best comment: from u/Slappybags22 on the original post:

“Nothing warms me up quite like a good hand holding….”

Okay, that’s the newsletter! You may now kiss the subscribe link, or forward to the bride!